The Unfiltered Truth About Self-Preservation: How It Can Expand or Limit Personal Growth

Self Preservation

I used to look at this term for all the positivity it brought into my life.

Self Preservation is defined as a natural human instinct to protect oneself from danger, discomfort, or harm.

Self preservation is very beneficial when it comes to having the instinct to run when being chased by a lion, or choosing to avoid or disassociate from a negative environment where you feel insignificant or undervalued.

However, self-preservation can make a negative impact on your overall wellbeing when it is being practiced through the wrong lens of thinking. Self preservation can be misused just to keep an individual feeling safe and complacent with their everyday actions, behaviors, and habits.

Humans are born and encouraged to evolve and transform throughout their lifetime, and with their daily habits, behaviors, and lifestyle.

Even though we are encouraged to evolve and grow as humans, our brains can tell us otherwise. Through learned behavior patterns and experiences, our brains can become wired to keep us “safe” and “protected” at all times. This response to constantly feel safe, protected, and comfortable can be the byproduct of unprocessed trauma, negative experiences, low confidence, and low self worth.

Today the human civilization is more safe, secure, and protected than ever before when it comes to modernized technology, housing, food, transportation, clothing, and shelter.

BUT

The Unprocessed trauma, deep insecurities, substance/alcohol abuse, and hiding the deepest and darkest traits of ourselves can cause our brain to subconsciously go into self-preservation mode to protect our pride and ego.

When we are subconsciously self preserving due to our own insecurities, lack of self worth, and unprocessed trauma- our brain will tell our body that we are unsafe, in danger, and uncomfortable at all times. Due to this- we will want to self preserve and protect ourselves from feeling any type of discomfort- even in environments and experiences that could benefit us longterm, and teach us valuable life lessons, tools, skills, and knowledge for the present and future moments.

Once we learn to live in our ego to protect ourselves, it’s hard to let our guard down, and own up and take accountability for our past mistakes, shortcomings, and flaws. Instead- we live in a state where we fear rejection. At the end of the day we want to be loved and feel worthy, but many of us fear that we are not enough, so this continues the spiral of living in your pride and ego rather than from a true and authentic space. Using self preservation to hide ourselves or protect ourselves is ACTUALLY preventing us from growing, healing, learning, and changing as an individual.

Recognizing the moments you are living in your ego and having fear of rejection is the only way to get grounded and present in the moment, and to overcome instances where self preservation is being used for the wrong reasons.

When we avoid or refuse to confront our own trauma, actions, behaviors, conflicts, disagreements, differences in opinions, negative experiences, or misunderstandings- this is where self preservation can be used in a negative way. Our brain tells us in order to feel safe and protected we need to isolate and avoid all experiences and situations that feel unsettling. Rather than facing or confronting a situation to see things from the other persons perspective or for our own internal flaws and insecurities- we avoid this discomfort entirely as a protection mechanism. This does nothing but hinders our ability to grow mind, body, and spirit.

Instead of taking accountability for our actions and behaviors, we use self preservation as a tool to shift the blame on others rather than taking ownership of our own mistakes and actions. Helping us feel “safe” and “comfortable” even when we are wrong or should be taking responsibility for our shortcomings.

There is a time and place where you use self preservation to protect your overall wellbeing and health by setting healthy boundaries for yourself when you are in a negative environment or relationships with individuals that don’t value your time and energy.

BUT… there are some circumstances where your ego will tell you lies in order to protect itself. If you don’t regularly do inventory on your own actions and behaviors, it’s easy to fall victim to using self preservation in a negative way and as a protective mechanism. This will feel good short term and leave you feeling safe in the moment, but long term creates a byproduct of negative feelings of oneself such as resentment, anger, jealousy, comparison, and frustration.

It takes a lot of willpower and strength to surrender in moments of discomfort, and recognize when you need to take partial or full accountability of your own negative actions, behaviors, mistakes and shortcomings.

Let’s breakdown some

ways in which we self preserve for the wrong reasons:

• To avoid personal growth. We self preserve in a negative way at times when we are challenged to grow as an individual in environments that initially feel “new,” “unsafe,” “different” and “uncomfortable.” We create excuses or narratives to avoid new experiences so that we can keep ourselves safe, complacent, and comfortable, even if long term embracing the discomfort would make your life better. Recognizing and reminding yourself that real growth will only occur when you expand outside of your comfort zone will help you avoid and overcome practicing self preservation in a negative way. It’s important to remind yourself that just because something is new and a little bit out of your comfort zone doesn’t mean it is unsafe or bad for your overall wellbeing. Our brain will ALWAYS choose familiar pain over an opportunity for joy that’s unfamiliar. So remind yourself of this.

• To protect the ego. We will subconsciously shift blame or criticize others to preserve our own ego and the deepest insecurities we hide not only to others, but our ourselves. It’s easy to self preserve our ego by criticizing or placing the blame on anyone but ourselves. When we are feeling emotionally heightened or uncomfortable in an environment with other people, we struggle to see things from any perspective but our own. This prevents us from the present moment and acknowledging our own flaws, traits, behaviors, and imperfections. People who self preserve their ego love to provide positive constructive advice and feedback to others, but often struggles to accept any form of constructive feedback from others- which is a huge indicator that you are protecting your ego or hiding parts of yourself. When humans can finally start recognizing the moments they are practicing self preservation to protect their ego, it gives them the power and courage to finally open their hearts to a path filled with more light and love, and seeing things from a different perspective outside of your own. When you live in alignment with your true and authentic self rather than in protection mode of your own ego; you recognize that everyone has their own trauma, shortcomings, characteristics, traits, and experiences that they are working through. This recognition can change your heart for the better, and help you realize that we are all imperfect beings on a life journey to learn and grow from each other. This also can help ground and center you when facing new experiences or situations. Feeling heightened emotions doesn’t necessarily have to create a byproduct of negative feelings all the time. Choosing to lead with light and love in a world that often chooses darkness can be hard. Choose different. Choose love. Choose to feel uncomfortable at moments, and accept that this is okay and only temporary. Sometimes- stopping the negative act of self preserving for safety and protection will help you lead with a more compassionate, empathetic, kind, and understanding heart. It can unlock true peace, joy, love, and abundance for yourself and others. Once you do the personal inventory and make conscious efforts to not lead with your ego you start growing, and better prevent yourself from self preserving. By facing our biggest fears, self doubts, insecurities, and unprocessed emotions and traumas- you will start leading a life that is true and authentic from the inside out.

• To Avoid Looking Like a Failure. We fall victim to using self preservation in a negative way when we want to protect ourselves from feeling like a failure.

  When we face roadblocks, mistakes or setbacks that cause outcomes we didn’t foresee, we self preserve to protect our image or how we want to look to others. Lets say you got fired from a job for showing up tardy several times over a five month period. Using self preservation in a negative way would be done by the employee placing all the blame on the employer. Instead of the employee taking accountability of their shortcomings and actions- they make excuses that the employer is the problem. When we make mistakes in life, it is important to take responsibility when needed rather than self preserving our negative actions and behaviors. When we learn to acknowledge, accept, and have awareness of our mistakes, insecurities, flaws, and shortcomings- it gives us the ability to grow, learn, improve, and forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, and prevent them from reoccurring in the future.

To sum up todays blog on self preservation- it is important to recognize when it needs to be practiced to improve your overall wellbeing vs practicing it to for the sake of keeping you safe and complacent. Being in negative environments, surrounding yourself with non-supportive friends, or choosing to pour into others over yourself are reasons to implement the practice of self preservation so that you can continue living in a healthy space and environment that encourages you to feel safe, true, and authentic.

BUT.. it’s important to recognize that the practice of self preservation can be a double edged sword, and can be used for the wrong reasons as well to protect yourself or isolate yourself from growing and living life authentically.

I encourage you to practice self preservation when needed, but to monitor and have awareness if self preservation is being practiced for your own personal benefit to stay safe by protecting your ego and insecurities.

How do you view the term self preservation after reading todays blog post?

Much Love and Happy Habits,

Coach Jay

The Secret to Success with Goal Setting: Desires, Discipline, and Determination

Photo by GWV productions, Parker Dam PA.

Goal Setting

As a fitness enthusiast and professional in the fitness world for close to 10 years now- I hear a lot of people having similar goals and intentions, “I want to lose 50 lbs, I want to feel good in my bathing suit, I want to get back to a weight where I feel confident when I look in the mirror.” Most of the time these thoughts and intentions to be better, do better, and find more consistency with diet and exercise come from a place of desire

Desire

An intention and want that is placed on your heart.

We all have desires whether it’s fitness related, a trip we have been dying to take, a dream car, the white picket fence dream house you have aspired to grow old in with your spouse, or that picture perfect job you’ve dreamed of having since you were a kid. The thing about desires- is that they should only be pursued when they align with your goal self.

What I have noticed most with my own desires- is that they take up a significant amount of space and time in my thoughts each day. These desires will either align or not align with my long term goals.

Sometimes desires come into our minds just because we are falling victim to the lens of comparison. We desire something just because others we look up to have it.

We either recognize and immediately dismiss these desires because they don't add value or purpose to our lives, or we choose to pursue them because they actually fill our cup. There are times that these desires don’t fill our cup or bring us happiness, but we choose to pursue them anyway-due to the external pressure from society to fit the “mold.”

I personally have found more peace and happiness in my own life when I inventory whether these desires are improving and adding value to my life and who I’m working on becoming, or if they subtract and take away from the future version of myself and don’t add value to my life.

I encourage you to recognize what desires bring you into alignment with your happiest and healthiest self, and fill your OWN cup.

Desiring something for external validation and to be accepted by others may feel good in the moment, but will not bring you long term happiness. That is why it is important to make time to monitor what goals and aspirations you truly desire for yourself, what habits and routines bring you happiness, and what habits, behaviors, and desires align or don’t align with where you want to go.

My favorite example of how you can align your desires with goals would be individuals pursuing a health and wellness journey.

Many individuals have long term goals and desires to tone up, build muscle, and lose fat. If you have a desire to lose fat and reach a fat loss goal- you have to practice habits on a daily basis that align with a fat loss goal. I have seen time in time again someone having the intention or desire to lose fat, but failing to pursue the habits needed to reach that outcome because the desire and habits it takes to achieve a fat loss goal quickly fade.

We fall back into the same negative habits we were practicing before due to convenience, comfort, and simplicity. Once you fall back into your old negative, easy, and convenient habits you no longer are going to be aligned with a fat loss goal. Sticking to the same old habits will not help you lose fat- no matter how much the desire to lose fat is there in your heart.

To reach any goal you set for yourself- you have to start examining WHAT it is you truly desire, and align your daily action and habits to that desire!

However- reaching goals is more than just desiring something. You also have to practice characteristics like self discipline and determination to stay on track with the goals you have set out to achieve. So let’s get into self discipline…..

Self-Discipline

If you have a goal in mind that you want to achieve- this means you have to start practicing habits and behaviors on a daily basis that align with your goal..

For example- lets say someone has a fat loss goal. When trying to develop fat loss habits an individual will most likely have the desire to practice the habits that align with fat loss right out the gate, but that usually fades out pretty quickly because our brains are creatures of habit. The brain likes to repeat what it knows and has learned over the years.

Which is why practicing habits through the lens of self-discipline is crucial. Not all desires that you think about on a daily basis will align with your goals. You have to be self-disciplined enough to resist temptation and caving into habits, desires, and actions that do not align with your goals.

Self-Discipline is defined as the constant follow through and obeyance of specific values, morals, actions, behaviors, and habits you have set out to achieve for a specific desired outcome or goal.

With self-discipline it is very normal that you may have to practice habits, behaviors, and actions you don’t like in order to achieve a specific outcome. Even when the going gets tough- you keep going by practicing self discipline with the challenging daily habits it takes to reach your goals.

When you have desires there will be a-lot of instances where a desire is not in alignment with your goals. It is important to consciously inventory all the desires that pop into your thoughts on a daily basis, and make sure you are practicing self-discipline with these desires so they dont turn into daily practices that create negative bank statements on your identity through your daily habits, behaviors, and actions.

When you have the desire to eat fried foods you need to practice self-discipline and say no most of the time- especially when you pursuing a fat loss goal. Fast foods on a consistent basis do not align with a fat loss goal. So even if you love and desire fast food quite frequently- you have to have the discipline to say no to it most of the time and choose healthier whole food based meals. This will transform the habit of eating fast food to a more positive habit of eating Whole Foods. Saying no most of the time to fast foods- keeps you aligned with your goals, and is an act of love for yourself through consistent self-discipline.

You may have the desire to eat your favorite chocolate bar and donut every morning for breakfast, but instead you practice self-discipline by staying dedicated to your fat loss goal. Instead of a donut/chocolate-you begin choosing a higher protein, more whole food based breakfast each day. A processed breakfast vs whole food based breakfast transforms from a negative to positive deposit habit towards your fat loss goals. You will still treat your self to a donut or chocolate bar to reward your efforts- but this is done very infrequently instead of on a frequent basis. Even though you love chocolate- you have the self-discipline to say no in the moment so that you stay aligned with your long term goals of fat loss.

You may desire to sit and watch TV every night while scrolling on your phone, but instead you practice self-discipline and decide that it’s important to take a 20 minute walk outside before sitting down and rewarding yourself with a little bit of TV to relax at night before bed. Your discipline to your goal of fat loss outweighs being comfortable and instantly gratified with TV even if the extra exercise is frictional and inconvienent in the moment.

Remember not all the desires that pop into your thoughts each day align with your goal self. This is why it’s so important to practice awareness around all of your desires so that they don’t block you from your long term goals.

If you find yourself feeling good in the moment but immediately feeling guilty after acting upon a desire- this is a sign the desire you chose to act upon was a negative deposit on your goals.

If you find yourself feeling friction and annoyance to do a habit but later on you feel energized, happy, and a sense of delayed gratification-this is a good sign that the desire you pursued made a positive deposit on your goal self.

Figuring out what is important to you and what goals you are trying to achieve will be a life long process that takes a lot of self-love, self-reflection, and self-discipline.

You have to practice self-discipline even if some of the habits that align with your goals are habits you don’t love practicing.

Healthy and happy alignment with your goal self can sometimes require in the moment choices and actions that you don’t love. It’s a healthy balance of loving some of the things you do, while having to be disciplined with the things you don’t love to achieve your long term goals.

For example- When you are pregnant- you are given an external motivator or reason to change your daily habits- such as giving up caffeine, lunch meats, and raw fish for the baby even if you love these daily nutritional practices.

As humans we struggle so much changing habits to align with goals such as someone with a fat loss because the changing of habits often times needs to be done internally and doesn’t always rely on us having an external motivator. Being pregnant and making changes with your habits for the baby comes easier for some because something outside of you is motivating you to make change (the baby).

Sometimes a fat loss goal will turn into an external source of motivation when the doctor threats your long term health and the possibility of chronic disease. Which creates more discipline and drive due to external motivation (the doctors medical advice).

When the changes that need to be made with your habits and behaviors are coming from an internal place without external motivators-this is where discipline is key to stay consistent with reaching your long term goals. Motivation and consistency will come through the act of self-discipline, and by staying determined to the process of a better you!

Determination

So…. you figured out what your long term goals are, you start monitoring if your desires are positive or negative, you implement the practice of being disciplined with your positive deposit actions, habits, and behaviors. Now what?

You stay determined with your commitments and desires to becoming your goal self.

Determination and discipline go hand and hand. Excuses, narratives, and roadblocks will happen in life. When these come up in your journey to your best self- you need to not only be disciplined- but stay determined

I’ve heard a lot of people say narratives like “I just don’t have the discipline” to do that. If you truly have a desire for a certain goal it is going to take consistent action, commitments, behaviors, and determination to reach your goal self. Showing up and honoring the version of yourself you are trying to become is the biggest act of self love.

When trying to reach a goal- no one will ever be perfect. Humans are imperfect beings. Goal setting is very uncomfortable because a lot of negative habits and behaviors have to be transformed into more positive deposits in order to become aligned and consistently stay aligned with your goals and the future version of yourself.

You only reach your goals when you practice consistency with your daily habits. When you accept you won’t be perfect, you can really surrender perfectionism and fall in love with the process of showing up as the best version of yourself each day.

It is going to take a lot of falling off the horse and getting back on and not giving up to achieve your goals. Which is the true definition of determination to me. Staying focused even when life’s obstacles get in the way.

With goal setting- it’s important to remember that shifting negative habits to positive ones can only be done though consistent repetition and action. If you are not able to be self-disciplined enough to follow through on your daily habits- you may need to start smaller than you already are.

It’s important to take baby steps so that you build up consistency, confidence, and momentum on your journey to a better you.

Starting small and then progressing once you have built self-discipline and consistency with your daily habits will help you stay determined and allow you to fall in love with the process. If you surrender into delayed gratification and allow habits to stick long term and consistently- you begin understanding that you will eventually get there over time- even if it takes longer than you would like.

The biggest mistake I’ve made with goal setting is setting commitments, habits, and behaviors that seem daunting and frictional to complete on a daily basis right out the gate- which made me inconsistent for years with my daily habits and behaviors. I was so hot and cold all the time. Being hot and cold with my commitments habits and behaviors on a daily basis did not cultivate self-discipline, determination, or any consistency to follow through on the habits needed to reach my goals.

Fast forward to today. Instead of trying to make drastic changes to my current habits I practice when it comes to career, life, or fitness goals- I start small with my commitments and habits.

After building confidence in small manageable habits, I slowly and progressively start scaling and progressing the habits over time to align more strongly with my goals. This has helped me stay determined to the process of reaching my goal self- rather than feeling overwhelmed, burnout, and feeling like I’m on a hamster wheel of consistency followed by inconsistency.

Be determined to the process of aligning with your goal self- even if that means starting small to cultivate confidence.

So in order to be successful with goal setting remember these three things:

1. Inventory your daily desires. Make sure they align with your goals. Sometimes desires block and steer you away from your goal self.

2. Learn to be disciplined with your daily habits, desires, actions, and behaviors. This is truly what it takes to reach your goals.

3. Always dedicate your time and energy into your goal self even if that means you have to start small to cultivate momentum, confidence, discipline, and energy. Be prepared to fall in love with the process of finding and pursuing the best and most ideal version of yourself. There is no end- it’s always a work in progress and about the journey.

Hope you enjoyed todays blog. As always I have so much love and happy habits to share with all those who tune into my blogs! Get out there and crush those habits this week!

Sincerely,

Coach Jay

Xoxo

The Debilitating Truth About Expectations

Letting go of the expectations we have created towards others and for ourselves. Instead- find inward peace and happiness by just “BEing”

Picture: Lawrence and Grace-Dubois, PA

Expectations:

We all have them. We set expectations for ourselves, we set expectations for others, and we set expectations of what our career path, wealth, and success should look like.

When you don’t meet the expectations you set for yourself or someone you love- this disrupts your inner peace and joy. Expectations you set for others and yourself are just like a fee. A cost will be paid with every expectation you set. This cost could be your friendship, mental health, inward joy, or even your self worth.

Expectations can be debilitating to not only you but the others who surround you.

So tune in- grab your favorite coffee mug with a cup of coffee and read what’s on my heart today.

The purpose of this blog is to share how I’ve found freedom through recognizing, monitoring, and overcoming my negative belief systems and limiting the amount of unrealistic expectations I create for myself and those I surround myself with.

Expectations of Oneself

I’m starting with discussions about the expectations we set for ourselves for several reasons.

Setting and creating unrealistic expectations for ourselves can be the biggest and most monumental disaster for our overall wellbeing and feelings of worth.

Some of the biggest mental blocks and false belief systems I’ve set expectations around for myself include:

1. Expectations that I am not successful if I am not productive. Rest is for the weak.

2. Expectations that if I don’t give my shirt off my back to others I am unlovable and cold.

3. Expectations that saying no means I’m a mean person. Being a yes man makes me more lovable, accepted, and well liked by others.

4. Expectations that if I don’t follow my parents advice or those opinions I value

   the most- I’m a failure and a disappointment to human kind.

5. Expectations that setbacks, mistakes and roadblocks indicate that I’m a failure.

   
   

These expectations I listed above have lived rent free in my head for longer than they deserved to.

With lots of time in solitude, I have learned these expectations harness and create negative bank statements on my overall wellbeing, happiness, and identity. I would be lying if I told you these subconscious thoughts don’t creep back into my mind from time to time, because they do. I recognize when they are happening now, and I have the ability to affirm and remind myself that not all thoughts, negative belief systems, and unrealistic expectations should hold truth and value over my life.

I don’t allow negative and false expectations to take over the drivers wheel of my life anymore. I realized I am not the victim of my thoughts, I am in control of them and every expectation that I create for myself. The more we fall victim to negative belief systems, thoughts, and unrealistic expectations the more we take away our feelings of worthiness, happiness, peace, contentment, and joy.

We ALL have flaws and shadows, and dark sides to us. By creating unrealistic expectations, and falling victim to negative mindsets, thoughts, and behaviors- we shift all our focus on the bad, and lose site of all the good we bring to the world.

So it’s time to ask yourself-what unrealistic expectations have I been setting for myself lately?

My unrealistic expectations:

I used to believe rest was for the weak, until god planted burn out and complete mental exhaustion into my life. I was at the point where rest was a lesson and the only solution I had. Otherwise- I would have reached a breaking point. God also planted the lockdown of Covid 2020 in my life and I was forced to find an identity and pillars to joy and fulfillment outside of my career. All I ever knew was to show up as the human who was known as the good coworker, with strong work ethic, and the person who would do anything and to excel in their career. I was always seeking validation through my career. Then boom- my job was taken away from me with no control or say. This was honestly one of the hardest experiences of my life, but now an experience that I am extremely grateful for. Learning to rest and that my worth is not directly associated with my job or constantly being productive- has given me wonderful success with being consistent in all my life endeavors. Rather than going too hard too quick and burning out- I have learned small bouts of consistency for the longterm and with a slow burn will always outweigh periods of short intensity with long periods of nothingness. Visualize this in your head, and make sure the projects and passions you take on are through the lens of small, meaningful, and consistent efforts.

I used to think being selfless was my best quality, and all that I wanted to be known for. I wanted to be liked by everyone, and would give everybody the shirt off my back. That was until it started coming at the cost of my mental health and own internal happiness. Instead of feeling a full cup of energy each day to happily give and disperse freely to everyone; I started feeling resentment, bitterness, and animosity towards everyone- even those I loved and cared for most. Being selfless is a great trait and quality to have, but should not be at the cost of your own energy; especially energy that is not reciprocated back. Learning to understand your energy and when to give it vs protect it- is something I still struggle with. Finding humans who reciprocate and don’t only take is a great start, and learning to love the energy takers with healthy boundaries. We are all takers at times depending on who we confide in. Trying to be sure you give and take from others is a hard balancing act. The key to success with keeping your energy cup full and constantly replenished is being sure you give your energy when needed, but also consciously remind yourself to also monitor your energy. You can’t operate from an empty cup.

I used to think saying no needed explanation, validation, and meant I wasn’t a good person. This expectation has been the hardest and most challenging obstacle for me to overcome, and I still find myself struggling to say no. When I do say no- I think there is a need to constantly over explain and overshare the reason I’m saying no. But no is no, and there are times where no explanation is needed. We only have so much energy to give others, and there are times even though we love to give, we just physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally are not in a place to do so. So to the people who say no and someone doesn’t like it- that’s okay. They aren’t used to healthy boundaries, and with time they will learn to adapt and love you for the boundaries you set- or much needed distance will subconsciously be created between you two, which is a blessing in disguise. When someone has healed and done the inner work throughout their lifetime and through human experiences, they understand we are all trying our best- so when you are met with understanding to saying no- keep those individuals close and express gratitude for them. They are few and far between and meant to serve a wonderful purpose in your life.

I used to think listening to my parents advice was more important than listening to my own gut instincts and intuition. I learned the hard way that taking the advice of others who love me and think they know what is best for me- led me to feelings of disassociation, hopelessness, and disappointment. It’s so important to listen to other people’s perspectives and respect their point of views, but your intuition and gut instinct is the Holy Spirit and divine talking through you. Listening to your inner knowing and voice is what will guide you to your happiest and healthiest self. You may disappoint those who love you most when you don’t follow their advice, but nothing will make you feel more lost and hopeless than ignoring your inner voice and intuition. I found my inner voice through meditation, prayer, and solitude in nature. If you haven’t found it- that’s okay you will; get comfortable with your inner voice. Spend time in solitude and get to know it. The more you find it- the more happiness, balance, and prosperity you will bring into your life.

Setbacks and mistakes used to rattle my self worth and self love for myself more than anything, until one day I yelled at the self deprecating thoughts in my head and reminded myself that:

“We are all souls here on planet earth failing time and time again. Until one day we just figure it out.

Even if I am the person who never truly figures out what success means to me, the courage to pursuit a life full of growth, evolution, and change will always be enough.

Everytime I face a setback or roadblock that doesn’t go the way I planned, I’m always doing my best to adapt, overcome, and continue forging ahead. These moments when you want to quit or give up most are building you into the best version of yourself. Big plans and goals can also mean big setbacks, lessons, and roadblocks. Failure is a term that creates fear mongering to step out of your comfort zone. Thinking you will fail will make you live in a constant state of fear while neglecting faith. As my pastor always says faith and fear can not coincide at the same time. Personally- I have learned that mistakes, setbacks, and roadblocks are not failure, and they have served as pivotal moments for redirection of my current path, a blessing in disguise (I know it’s a huge disguise), or even a lesson you were meant to learn so that you can align yourself with the future version of yourself that has yet to come.

Creating “unrealistic expectations” of oneself can create a byproduct of all or none thinking, low self worth, and low self esteem. This will spiral you into thinking you are good or bad, a success or a failure, and even as far as to think you are a worthy or worthless human. It’s important to set healthy expectations and goals for yourself, and live in the present moment- because no matter how much you want to control things- a lot of things are out of our locust of control.

Expectations of Others

Disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration….. someone has made you feel this way at some point in your life- I’m sure of it.

I have learned through my lifetime we create an inner dialogue in our head of how we want others to treat us. Maybe it’s because of how we show up for others, or maybe it’s because we want someone who we look up to or admire to validate us and make us feel like “we are enough.”

Either way- if you set expectations of how you want someone to show up for you- there is a huge chance that you will face disappointment. They won’t show up in the way you expected. Their actions wont line up with their words. Their behaviors are less than ideal. You don’t receive the energy back that you are giving.

Whatever the expectations are that you’ve created for others; my advice is to let that shit go.

Let a person freely express who it is they are, let their behaviors and actions be a reflection of how it is they show up for you, and lastly accept that we are all flawed and perfectly imperfect.

Humans are here to experience happiness, sadness, disappointment, joy, hardship, and so many other emotions. When you start projecting and creating a vision in your head for how you want someone to show up for you, and they don’t- you are bound to be shaken up at your core. You will start to question if the person is good, if you are unworthy, and so many more negative spiral thoughts.

Instead allow a person just be. Whatever way they can show up for you will feel like “enough” when you have let go of all the expectations you created for them. You feel more gratitude, peace, and joy when really good people show you their true and authentic selves.

There will be some people in our lives that do require healthy boundaries and monitoring with our energy, time, attention, and love. In order to love others, we do need to love ourselves first, and sometimes this requires protection of ourselves and our inner peace through healthy and realistic boundaries.

We are all humans with varying tanks of energy to give others. When we accept others and just let them “be” this will help you lead a more balanced, prosperous, and joyous life. When you allow yourself to surrender all unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, you allow yourself to live more freely in the present moment with feelings of peace, joy, and gratitude.

So the next time you plan to pursue a goal or attend a social event- maybe it’s time to just be- and stop creating unrealistic expectations for how you want to show up for others, and how you want others to show up for you.

Just be.

We all deserve nothing but light, love, and happiness in all that we pursue! The more we can stay true and authentic with what truly brings us joy and meaning to our lives- the more light, love, and kindness we can spread to this world.

With Love & Happy Habits,

-JV

Juliane Volosky MS, ATC, LAT, PES, CWC

Happy Habits Health and Wellness Blog