The Debilitating Truth About Expectations

Letting go of the expectations we have created towards others and for ourselves. Instead- find inward peace and happiness by just “BEing”

Picture: Lawrence and Grace-Dubois, PA

Expectations:

We all have them. We set expectations for ourselves, we set expectations for others, and we set expectations of what our career path, wealth, and success should look like.

When you don’t meet the expectations you set for yourself or someone you love- this disrupts your inner peace and joy. Expectations you set for others and yourself are just like a fee. A cost will be paid with every expectation you set. This cost could be your friendship, mental health, inward joy, or even your self worth.

Expectations can be debilitating to not only you but the others who surround you.

So tune in- grab your favorite coffee mug with a cup of coffee and read what’s on my heart today.

The purpose of this blog is to share how I’ve found freedom through recognizing, monitoring, and overcoming my negative belief systems and limiting the amount of unrealistic expectations I create for myself and those I surround myself with.

Expectations of Oneself

I’m starting with discussions about the expectations we set for ourselves for several reasons.

Setting and creating unrealistic expectations for ourselves can be the biggest and most monumental disaster for our overall wellbeing and feelings of worth.

Some of the biggest mental blocks and false belief systems I’ve set expectations around for myself include:

1. Expectations that I am not successful if I am not productive. Rest is for the weak.

2. Expectations that if I don’t give my shirt off my back to others I am unlovable and cold.

3. Expectations that saying no means I’m a mean person. Being a yes man makes me more lovable, accepted, and well liked by others.

4. Expectations that if I don’t follow my parents advice or those opinions I value

   the most- I’m a failure and a disappointment to human kind.

5. Expectations that setbacks, mistakes and roadblocks indicate that I’m a failure.

   
   

These expectations I listed above have lived rent free in my head for longer than they deserved to.

With lots of time in solitude, I have learned these expectations harness and create negative bank statements on my overall wellbeing, happiness, and identity. I would be lying if I told you these subconscious thoughts don’t creep back into my mind from time to time, because they do. I recognize when they are happening now, and I have the ability to affirm and remind myself that not all thoughts, negative belief systems, and unrealistic expectations should hold truth and value over my life.

I don’t allow negative and false expectations to take over the drivers wheel of my life anymore. I realized I am not the victim of my thoughts, I am in control of them and every expectation that I create for myself. The more we fall victim to negative belief systems, thoughts, and unrealistic expectations the more we take away our feelings of worthiness, happiness, peace, contentment, and joy.

We ALL have flaws and shadows, and dark sides to us. By creating unrealistic expectations, and falling victim to negative mindsets, thoughts, and behaviors- we shift all our focus on the bad, and lose site of all the good we bring to the world.

So it’s time to ask yourself-what unrealistic expectations have I been setting for myself lately?

My unrealistic expectations:

I used to believe rest was for the weak, until god planted burn out and complete mental exhaustion into my life. I was at the point where rest was a lesson and the only solution I had. Otherwise- I would have reached a breaking point. God also planted the lockdown of Covid 2020 in my life and I was forced to find an identity and pillars to joy and fulfillment outside of my career. All I ever knew was to show up as the human who was known as the good coworker, with strong work ethic, and the person who would do anything and to excel in their career. I was always seeking validation through my career. Then boom- my job was taken away from me with no control or say. This was honestly one of the hardest experiences of my life, but now an experience that I am extremely grateful for. Learning to rest and that my worth is not directly associated with my job or constantly being productive- has given me wonderful success with being consistent in all my life endeavors. Rather than going too hard too quick and burning out- I have learned small bouts of consistency for the longterm and with a slow burn will always outweigh periods of short intensity with long periods of nothingness. Visualize this in your head, and make sure the projects and passions you take on are through the lens of small, meaningful, and consistent efforts.

I used to think being selfless was my best quality, and all that I wanted to be known for. I wanted to be liked by everyone, and would give everybody the shirt off my back. That was until it started coming at the cost of my mental health and own internal happiness. Instead of feeling a full cup of energy each day to happily give and disperse freely to everyone; I started feeling resentment, bitterness, and animosity towards everyone- even those I loved and cared for most. Being selfless is a great trait and quality to have, but should not be at the cost of your own energy; especially energy that is not reciprocated back. Learning to understand your energy and when to give it vs protect it- is something I still struggle with. Finding humans who reciprocate and don’t only take is a great start, and learning to love the energy takers with healthy boundaries. We are all takers at times depending on who we confide in. Trying to be sure you give and take from others is a hard balancing act. The key to success with keeping your energy cup full and constantly replenished is being sure you give your energy when needed, but also consciously remind yourself to also monitor your energy. You can’t operate from an empty cup.

I used to think saying no needed explanation, validation, and meant I wasn’t a good person. This expectation has been the hardest and most challenging obstacle for me to overcome, and I still find myself struggling to say no. When I do say no- I think there is a need to constantly over explain and overshare the reason I’m saying no. But no is no, and there are times where no explanation is needed. We only have so much energy to give others, and there are times even though we love to give, we just physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally are not in a place to do so. So to the people who say no and someone doesn’t like it- that’s okay. They aren’t used to healthy boundaries, and with time they will learn to adapt and love you for the boundaries you set- or much needed distance will subconsciously be created between you two, which is a blessing in disguise. When someone has healed and done the inner work throughout their lifetime and through human experiences, they understand we are all trying our best- so when you are met with understanding to saying no- keep those individuals close and express gratitude for them. They are few and far between and meant to serve a wonderful purpose in your life.

I used to think listening to my parents advice was more important than listening to my own gut instincts and intuition. I learned the hard way that taking the advice of others who love me and think they know what is best for me- led me to feelings of disassociation, hopelessness, and disappointment. It’s so important to listen to other people’s perspectives and respect their point of views, but your intuition and gut instinct is the Holy Spirit and divine talking through you. Listening to your inner knowing and voice is what will guide you to your happiest and healthiest self. You may disappoint those who love you most when you don’t follow their advice, but nothing will make you feel more lost and hopeless than ignoring your inner voice and intuition. I found my inner voice through meditation, prayer, and solitude in nature. If you haven’t found it- that’s okay you will; get comfortable with your inner voice. Spend time in solitude and get to know it. The more you find it- the more happiness, balance, and prosperity you will bring into your life.

Setbacks and mistakes used to rattle my self worth and self love for myself more than anything, until one day I yelled at the self deprecating thoughts in my head and reminded myself that:

“We are all souls here on planet earth failing time and time again. Until one day we just figure it out.

Even if I am the person who never truly figures out what success means to me, the courage to pursuit a life full of growth, evolution, and change will always be enough.

Everytime I face a setback or roadblock that doesn’t go the way I planned, I’m always doing my best to adapt, overcome, and continue forging ahead. These moments when you want to quit or give up most are building you into the best version of yourself. Big plans and goals can also mean big setbacks, lessons, and roadblocks. Failure is a term that creates fear mongering to step out of your comfort zone. Thinking you will fail will make you live in a constant state of fear while neglecting faith. As my pastor always says faith and fear can not coincide at the same time. Personally- I have learned that mistakes, setbacks, and roadblocks are not failure, and they have served as pivotal moments for redirection of my current path, a blessing in disguise (I know it’s a huge disguise), or even a lesson you were meant to learn so that you can align yourself with the future version of yourself that has yet to come.

Creating “unrealistic expectations” of oneself can create a byproduct of all or none thinking, low self worth, and low self esteem. This will spiral you into thinking you are good or bad, a success or a failure, and even as far as to think you are a worthy or worthless human. It’s important to set healthy expectations and goals for yourself, and live in the present moment- because no matter how much you want to control things- a lot of things are out of our locust of control.

Expectations of Others

Disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration….. someone has made you feel this way at some point in your life- I’m sure of it.

I have learned through my lifetime we create an inner dialogue in our head of how we want others to treat us. Maybe it’s because of how we show up for others, or maybe it’s because we want someone who we look up to or admire to validate us and make us feel like “we are enough.”

Either way- if you set expectations of how you want someone to show up for you- there is a huge chance that you will face disappointment. They won’t show up in the way you expected. Their actions wont line up with their words. Their behaviors are less than ideal. You don’t receive the energy back that you are giving.

Whatever the expectations are that you’ve created for others; my advice is to let that shit go.

Let a person freely express who it is they are, let their behaviors and actions be a reflection of how it is they show up for you, and lastly accept that we are all flawed and perfectly imperfect.

Humans are here to experience happiness, sadness, disappointment, joy, hardship, and so many other emotions. When you start projecting and creating a vision in your head for how you want someone to show up for you, and they don’t- you are bound to be shaken up at your core. You will start to question if the person is good, if you are unworthy, and so many more negative spiral thoughts.

Instead allow a person just be. Whatever way they can show up for you will feel like “enough” when you have let go of all the expectations you created for them. You feel more gratitude, peace, and joy when really good people show you their true and authentic selves.

There will be some people in our lives that do require healthy boundaries and monitoring with our energy, time, attention, and love. In order to love others, we do need to love ourselves first, and sometimes this requires protection of ourselves and our inner peace through healthy and realistic boundaries.

We are all humans with varying tanks of energy to give others. When we accept others and just let them “be” this will help you lead a more balanced, prosperous, and joyous life. When you allow yourself to surrender all unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, you allow yourself to live more freely in the present moment with feelings of peace, joy, and gratitude.

So the next time you plan to pursue a goal or attend a social event- maybe it’s time to just be- and stop creating unrealistic expectations for how you want to show up for others, and how you want others to show up for you.

Just be.

We all deserve nothing but light, love, and happiness in all that we pursue! The more we can stay true and authentic with what truly brings us joy and meaning to our lives- the more light, love, and kindness we can spread to this world.

With Love & Happy Habits,

-JV

Juliane Volosky MS, ATC, LAT, PES, CWC

Happy Habits Health and Wellness Blog